So it's that sick feeling you get in your stomach, knowing you're in the wrong, and you've hurt someone, and you've been selfish, and they deserve better. It's wishing you WERE a better person so you could still be that better person NOW, and that maybe life wouldn't have to kick your ass so utterly and properly to get you to see the truth about yourself, which happens to NOT be pretty.

I'd be sad but it's more just feeling bad, and feeling bad enough that ice cream can't solve it, and forgiveness won't either, so I don't know what either than shower, sleep, and the beach could do much.

It's almost time for that shower.....

It's SO freaking sunny, in Oregon, in March. I can't believe it. Then again I almost wrote "February", so maybe I'm just getting used to this spring thing. I walked to school and back and then to the school library, and it was nice, warm, and does actually make me feel better than driving my car in a few different ways. It's nice to just feel the sun, be lost in my thoughts, and actually hear the birds sing - things I don't consciously let myself do normally.

Later I'll go for a swim. Anyone who's been injured and can return to the court/field/track/water knows how it feels - after easing out of the embarrassment of lowered performance, it's easy to get back into how good it feels, regardless of speed or whatever other criteria you would be judged on. I especially like going by myself. Company is nice, but I find that a quicker person next to me pushes me to do what I'm afraid I cannot - go faster, farther - without hurting myself.

I got a job transfer! This makes me both happy and sad, because while I do not like commuting I really don't mind living with my parents for a (cumulative) day every week. Good food, removal from the school atmosphere (area of stress!), two puppies who love me...on the upside I won't spend my time commuting. I think I'll use the two hours I would normally be driving, should I be able to spare them, on Sat. and Sun. doing whatever I want to preserve my sanity.

And I'm hungry again...dinner is not for another two hours. Guess if I stay in the library at least I'll still be hungry when it rolls around.

Things were going well generally this week but today I'm a rain cloud...perhaps a good thing I'll be at home and then at work to take me out of the school scene that's been eating up, it feels like, a life of my own....

You know when life is so crazy - you're doing homework for tomorrow's class and tomorrow's class only, or trying to get up early to work on it, while balancing fun stuff, informational meetings about extracurriculars (of which you have none because you are busy!!!), sporadic visits to your sorority's meetings, trying to stay physically active, prepping for future field work, and spending time (doing homework) with your significant other, and write huge run on sentences in your blog?

It's mid-way through week 3 and I have a scrapbook due to IPO, party invitations (yay! crafty fun goodness) to do, stuff for my classes...I guess it's not that much but it seems like it. I'm busy every hour of every day, and my roommate even made me pasta last night because I just hadn't gotten around to eating.

Well, this Friday (post me-in-library-doing-homework, possible pilates, and a future teachers conference which dominates most of my schedule) is hopefully going to be jello-shot party night. I'm excited. There may be Guitar Hero involved...oh man.

Ed Prof: "Arien, you're not going to home and slit your wrists or anything right?"
Me: "No no no, just scared is all."

It's finally dawning on me how much stuff, and at what levels of proficiency, I have to do before I can actually step into a classroom as a teacher.

BUT the notebook of a million and one lesson plans that integrate art was found, with my grade sheet from last spring, and I am pretty much overwhelmed by the praise of my art teacher. I'm definitely not all that serious about art but it's still great to hear that there are elements of it to be appreciated!

Homework vs. exercise as a means of procrastination + avoidance of more major guilt for not exercising.

Good 50 minute walk/jog with puppy vs. peanut butter smoothie.

Peanut butter smoothie vs. temptations of junk food (or just too much snacking) in my own place; coffee house distractions vs. roommate ones...

The resolution to eat better is going well, for the most part, considering my mom isn't around to make healthy dinners and there's been sweets galore with the day-of-love-chocolately goodness, which in my case includes some ginger snap cookies...Ok, so it's not going great but I was a lot worse my sophomore year. I guess that still leaves big room for improvement.

The stick-to-the-exercise-routine one needs some work. Doesn't help that my Lyra has died, the second to bite the dust from the height of my waist (well, plus treadmill) to the floor. CDs and old, taped together CD player, here I come! (That baby survived droppage in the ocean!)

As the homework piles on, I should use exercise as a way to procrastinate more often, or find ways to snack healthier that are cheap...

Back at school! Things are, for the most part, going ok.

The roommate thing is working out well, although one's bubbly personality makes it hard to remember she's not trustworthy, which sort of gnaws at me sometimes. Living with my best friend is awesome, and so far we've maintained enough space and time alone that it's not like anyone is too clingy or needing to escape the house.

There's a LOT of homework! Each class, each at least 1.5 hrs at a go, has given reading assignments or projects the first day. It's not incredibly hard but more of the time consuming genre. I haven't even started my volunteering yet and hopefully it will be lots of fun because I really like getting up at 8 or 9 on school days. My schedule allows for morning laziness that has always previously been allotted to weekends, and I'm also just a bit anxious to start. I've been trying to keep up on.

Socializing, as far as in class, has gone ok. I have people to sit with, sometimes by asking, sometimes by circumstance, but that's ok, I guess. J has left the ed program and A is in France, so I'm sort of trying to branch out with among the 25 people who have already developed their own tables of people since we'd all started the ed program freshman year. I hang out a lot with my best friend, if by living situation as much as going out, but it's been fun, and I've seen my boyfriend every day. It's been rocky but nice to see him, since I was sort of worried he'd be mauled by upper level chem and physics and I'd be swamped by coloring, lesson plans, etc. I guess there is still time for that.

I've decided to wear pajamas all day. Sooooo much to do. No sorority meeting for me, it's going to be a long one and I need to keep up on homework since I've got work (class, commute, work, drive back) on Friday and a concert on Saturday....Soooo much to do that I should get off elowel, haha.

Although I can't have sexy sweeping side bangs like my avatar, the lady did a good job and step one on my road to tomorrow's cuteness is going well. (Steps 2 and 3 involve fair amounts of sleep and attention to make-up.) I'm excited!

So, today's highs:

Painting at work! Granted I was painting cork boards a Sweeny Todd red that would have tickled Tim Burton pink but hey, I was getting paid to paint. I also got to run around with a mark down gun and cheapen clothes with two cool girls who work in kids' dept. My boss was super cool, like always, and I'm sad it's my last day working under her command.

Hair cut! 'Nuf said!

Polka dot bedspread! It's a full comforter so it'll fit my "school" bed, replacing the lime green of frosh and soph year. It will definitely clash with the striped rug but oh well. My room is pretty much a clash in action of all the things I love. Now if only I could find my artwork to put up on the blank wall...

Worked things out with my mom through very little discussion. They aren't awkward. I bought the comforter, and she paid for my haircut and also treated us to a 2-for-1 deal at Cornerstone...I was rewarded for my ice-cream-getter duty by meeting this really cute guy behind the corner...he may or may not be 18, but he's a sr. at my high school and asked if I went there because apparently I'm familiar. (Probably a product of, other than the bags under my eyes, not looking like I've aged a day since my driver's license was taken.)

Although my sexy koala bear is busy until 4 tomorrow afternoon, giving me two or three hours to kill with my best friend and her mom and move into my house, he's going to cook me dinner tomorrow. Then my friend's mom is taking me out the night after that. I'm definitely excited, especially since I don't really have time to grocery shop if I'm going to job search and only be in town until Sat.

Get HPV vaccinated tomorrow! Possibly a Hep A booster too, we'll see.

I have reunited myself with my true internet love, Pandora free internet radio...Right now I'm on a "Pinback" station and listening blissfully, contemplating how to give my desk buddy elephant a feasible trunk that will hold a pen.

Oh and our new going-to-be-filler receptionist, the first guy one I've seen in our store, gave me my smiley pin back, which can be "cashed in" for $5, because I told him I had kept it but really wanted the $5 too. He warned that my conscience would hopefully keep me at bay from cashing it again, and I'm confident it will. I've grown quite attached the the smiley thing, it's hard to not smile back.

I didn't get to go for my walk but I'm in a pretty good mood. It's been a five star, glass half full, I'm rocking the world kind of day! AND I GET PAID TOMORROW!

I had convinced myself it was Th. It just felt like a Th. Work went well, I had fun with my colleagues, I found some good deals so I scored two shirts...I am thinking of wearing the pink one to work and just saying my work shirt was dirty, which it is, and it (oh so sadly) didn't make it into the batch of laundry I can hear spinning in the dryer...but I am probably not that daring.

On the other hand, my manager likes me a lot. This is nice because I like her a lot, too. She respects me, never treats me like I'm stupid (even when I need precise directions to be repeated or clarification), trusts me to get work done with quality, never looks at me funny when she catches me coming out of the bathroom (as if I've been killing time there, probably not unheard of given the sometimes mind numbing boredom or want to play in traffic induced by tasks), and even calls me in as her own personal assistant. This means running around the store doing anything from swapping out fixtures to changing graphics, locating ladders that are too big for me to carry, etc.

This would be why I'm going in to work at 7 am instead of 5 am, though I will be staying later.

However, I proposed working because I was under the distinct impression that it was Th, and so I'd be getting 7 or so hours on my "Friday"...not so. I'm scheduled as off for Friday, we'll see if she keeps it that way. I'd like to have more time to pack, get my errands in (a vamped up haircut - ? -, trip to the bank, possibly some shots), and get down to my college town faster...but we'll see. I also want to look cute. A red polo doesn't cut it for me, which means full make-up (normal 4 am rise time negates this option), real clothes (JEANS! BOOTS! SHIRT OF MY CHOOSING!)...sounds heavenly.

Cream cheese frosted cinnamon rolls are orgasm on a plate, basically.

Pomegranate, blueberry, and some-other-berry smoothies are good too.

My mom has clarified my financial situation and revoked prior statements about me taking care of medical bills. I think she hopes this will mean I won't work so much, we'll see. My boyfriend has offered to go job hunting in my college town with me (great, because I'll be nervous about branching out of my comfort zone - clothes - ) so I can return home selectively instead of every weekend for work. Things are looking up, and it feels good.

Time to go make my desk buddy elephant, or get started. Maybe a pic of him up when I get it done, or some packing. I'm riding a Superwoman high but have a 10 bedtime...

Sometimes everything seems so overwhelming, or maybe I just get more worked up about things. Little things trigger big reactions, and re-direction tends to work but it can't subvert the underlying big issues though it helps with the really small things.

I'll probably go to see my counselor in the spring. My doctor recommended time outside every day and exercise, and I think being busier with school will probably help (lots of re-direction). She treated my feelings as if they might actually be indicative of something, which after two years running of intensely emotional Januarys, working on Februarys, I'm wondering about. She gave me some info on "winter blues" and I really think that could be part of it, coupled with the financial situation that stresses me out from day to day. My mom doesn't seem to take me seriously about getting sort of depressed, which is always great.

But until then my puppy ran off on me (just avoiding a soothing cuddling session, not on the streets), I have a headache, and I'm really not sure how I'm going to pay for everything and it seriously worries me. I feel like it's ready to fall to pieces, or maybe just parts of me are.

Sounds like it's time to take a break, go to bed, and hope that the sleep I get will help me have a more positive outlook tomorrow.